[this was a letter sent to both my parents in response to a mental breakdown i had delivered on mother's day.]

i never meant to act the way i did today at the retirement home. however, i think it's unfair how their room smelled, looked trashy and messy, and unorganized. i feel incredibly concerned when i cannot find something as important like the tv remote. they deserve a better space and should feel they aren’t restrained to the shackles of their wheelchairs, walkers or bedsides. i don’t wish them to continue living in a space that plays the same channel with the same shitty shows, brainwashing them and destroying their mindsets. after hearing how Grandpa called a black nurse several slurs and how he acted unwelcoming to that other confused resident, i was left to mentally ache. it’s the shows, it’s the damn shows that are negatively inspiring them. i just wanted to throw a brick at it and hope it would shut up. whatever show was playing indicated several slurs, back talking, and general disrespect towards each other, and the host kept yelling and screaming at the barkeepers, telling them how unworthy and stupid they are. i don’t want grandma and grandpa to become negatively impacted by that and live off of those factors for the rest of their lives. they deserve better. and sometimes when i don’t know what to do in a situation that involves a family member, i of course shut down and lose my mental for a while. and for that, i’m sorry. i’m sorry that i act inappropriately or act out of line. i’m sorry that i ruin every Mother’s Day for both of you. it’s unfair especially to Mom and keep forgetting that you people care for me and will do everything in your power to keep me feeling well then other people i know don’t have that positive relationship with their parents. i’m sorry if i talk too much or too loud or if i don’t be the best version of myself even in tough times. i’m sorry that i don’t take care of myself as much as i should be. i'm sorry that i've stopped asking permission to do things or use equipment. i'm sorry that i don't have the best friends in the world. i'm sorry that i let my grades slip which has led me down a horrible road in my school career. i'm sorry if i sometimes think about hurting myself or that i'm better off dead. i'm sorry that i'm not the best son or person on certain days. i'm sorry that i never call or ask how you're doing during that day. i'm sorry if i act like a privileged child who gets his way every time. i'm sorry if i yell or raise my voice at you just to prove a point or tell my side of a story or incident. i'm sorry for when i call myself names and put myself down. i'm sorry if i don't spend enough time with you or spend too much time isolated in my room. but most importantly, i'm sorry for all of the distrust, pain, trauma and disrespect i've given you in my small life.